Building Social Resiliency
by Rachel Guadamuz, MA, LMHCA
These are precarious times that we live in. Times, in fact, where a person can virtually (pun intended) live their entire lives without any real connections with others at all. Other people can easily become reduced simply to an avenue to fulfill the next impulse. However, we were meant for more. Created for connection; hardwired for attunement and love. But how do we get there? How does a person go from isolation and avoidance to thriving in relationships?
We can start by understanding that we are not alone. The most recent study that I found states that as of 2020, 1 out of 3 young people, globally, meet the criteria for social anxiety disorder (Jefferies P, Ungar M., 2020). I remember throughout my teenage years in particular, there were times when I felt that I would be swallowed whole with the worry and anxiety of what I perceived others thought of me, like I was drowning in a sea of negative voices. I can tell you first hand, there is hope. Here are some steps that I have found professionally (I share regularly with clients) and personally (I use them in my daily life) helpful to walk towards healing in the area of relationship building.
Cognitive Shifts
How often has this happened to you? You’re at work and a co-worker that you thought you had a decent connection with comes in and you say ‘hi’ to them and they walk by you without any response. In fact, they look like they’re mean-mugging you! This causes an anxious spiral to kick in where thoughts of “I thought we were work-friends”, “I am so stupid, they don’t like me at all”. Or, you start to feel angry towards them. Either way, you decide that the best thing to do now is to ignore them for the rest of the shift, and potentially, altogether. You thought they were ignoring you, which caused you to feel shame and/or anger, and as a result, your behavior was to isolate yourself from them and even emotionally banish them from future engagement with you. This is an example of how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can interact with one another. Now, let’s go back into the same scenario but change it up a bit. The co-worker comes in, you say ‘hi’ to them, and they walk by without saying anything to you. Instead of the inner spiral of negativity, you think “I guess they didn’t hear me, they looked like they were distracted, or, maybe they are having a bad day.” “I feel bad for them, I hope they’re ok.” “When I have a sec, I am going to go to check on them.” Same.Exact.Scenario. Different interpretations. More often than not, the other person is consumed with their own inner world and would probably benefit from you checking in on them. When I learned this concept, I started using the well-known phrase Innocent until proven guilty to cognitively shift my inner world and assumptions. As funny as it sounds, it was a game-changer! Cognitive shifts do not happen overnight, but much like building muscle, there is a great payoff.
Skill Building
Skill building takes time. Fortunately, there are so many skill practices we can employ to build resiliency and strength in this area of our lives. Here are a few to try out with your therapist or close friends:
Role Playing: If you are feeling worried about confronting someone or even meeting new people, take some time to role play the interactions with someone you are comfortable with. It may sound weird, but it has been shown to be an incredibly effective intervention, not just for social anxiety, but also for healing unmetabolized grief and trauma from relationships (For more insight on this wonderful tool, check out the book The Body Keeps The Score by Besser Van Der Kolk).
Visualization: Much like role-playing, visualization can be effective in taking the nerve-wracking unknowns and what-ifs out of situations we are unfamiliar with. An example of this would be if a person is moving into a dorm room they can visualize what color they would like the walls to be, the pattern of the bedding, what kind of pictures they can see on the walls, etc. This then increases the sense of familiarity and decreases the anxiety that comes from the unknown.
Muscle Relaxation: It would be easier for me to just share a link for you to check it out for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihO02wUzgkc (I am not affiliated with this entity, I just think it is a great resource).
Breathing: Breathing is directly linked to your body’s stress response system. If you want to know the best way to breathe, watch a baby as they sleep: through the nose with the diaphragm sweetly rising and falling. When facing a stressful situation, environment, or person, taking the time to breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, and release that breath slowly for four seconds (remember 4x4x4) is a great tool to start with!
Knowing Your Exits: This is my lifeline. Whenever I go to a new place, oftentimes, the first thing I do is look for the exits and the bathrooms. When I am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed and I need to take a minute to myself or gather my thoughts, I go to the restroom. I read quotes or scriptures that I keep on index cards, I journal, and I pray (yes, I truly do these things at times of stress, in the restroom). If that does not work, there is no shame in leaving, especially when just beginning the process of building social resiliency.
Prayer: According to Pew Research Center, over 55% of Americans pray at least once a day. Personally, I sometimes feel like I pray at least once a minute. Prayer connects us with the divine. When facing hard situations and new relationships, prayer can give us the ability to lean on something larger than ourselves. Each of these practices have the ability to take the teeth out of the anxiety monster we can often feel as we are stepping out towards healing. Wherever we are in the leg of this journey towards building social resiliency; whether we are merely here for a friend, gathering information to consider change, or we are jumping in with both feet, each of these practices can be used again and again. Now, to get to the final step in this process of building our skills: Exposure.
Exposure
In order to grow the above skills in social resiliency, we need to be exposed to social environments that we typically avoid. Start with places that seem more comfortable. A favorite band that is playing at a coffee shop, a faith service, or a book club. It may even be beneficial to set a time limit for being in that space. Have a place to be or a thing to do so that if it gets overwhelming, it is easy to say, “I have homework to go do”, “ I have to get up early tomorrow for work,” etc. The point is to step out and go to places where there are new people to meet and the ability to connect with others. Then, increase to less favorable places like, for me, theme parks.
Closing Thoughts
When we step out and begin to increase our resiliency, we are putting ourselves in the places where we can meet new people and potentially build relationships. This then opens up a new world to us. I can say honestly, challenging myself to regularly grow in this area has enriched my life in so many unforeseeable ways. I pray it does the same for you.
References
Connelly, M Ph.D. (2015). Progressive muscle relaxation training. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihO02wUzgkc
Jefferies P, Ungar M. Social anxiety in young people: A prevalence study in seven countries. PLoS One. 2020 Sep 17;15(9):e0239133. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0239133. PMID: 32941482; PMCID: PMC7498107.
PRC (N.D.)Frequncy of prayer. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/religious-landscape-study/frequency-of-prayer/
Rachel Guadamuz, MA, LMHCA
Rachel is the owner of Illuminate Christian Counseling. She received her Master of Arts in Counseling with honors from Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and has spent decades serving in church ministry, providing teaching and discipleship. As a therapist, it is her desire to support people as they grow in their relationship with God and others.
